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Pub jokes

A man walks into a bar, it hurt.

A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A man rushes into a bar, orders the four most expensive 30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies. "Oh I'm sorry, what do you have?" the barman asks sympathetically. "Fifty pence."

A plate of Bacon and Eggs walks into a pub. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

A man with a dog walked into a pub. The landlord said, "Sorry Sir, no dogs." Bluffing outrageously, the man said "I'm blind,.. its my Guide Dog". The landlord looks doubtful and said, "But its a Yorkshire Terrier." The dog owner put on a look of astonishment and said "What? But they told me it was a very small labrador!"

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it." "You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" "You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play... "You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him £300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. "Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for £300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."